Monday, May 26, 2014

Core beliefs and relationship conflicts

As a student of psychology as well as a married woman, relationships and their dynamics have always intrigued me. More specifically the causes behind the conflicts in a marital relationship fascinate me. Often they are clues to the partners psyche revealing the insecurities, childhood impressions, super ego messaging and so on and so forth.

Most of the time, relationship arguments are about our own issues projected onto our partner. If the message we heard in our childhood told us that we are unworthy of love and attention, more times than not, one will get upset at the spouse for not providing the TLC. The spouse could be showing his love through different helping around at home, giving you some time off from the kids, providing for the family.....but if you don't believe you are worthy of love, you will not see your partner's love towards you.

Growing up, if you were frequently criticised, even a suggestion coming from your spouse can seem like disapproval. The truth is your childhood messages have lead you to wrongly believe that you can do nothing right so when your spouse makes a suggestion for tweaking something you have done, you see it as fault finding and get defensive. Your poor partner has no choice but to retreat or get defensive himself, leading the path to another fight.

It can be hard for the person involved to see how his self beliefs are causing the friction in the relationship. Our innate defense reaction is to assign responsibility elsewhere.
If you find yourself questioning your partners love, trust, respect or care towards you, first dig deeper within yourself. If you have questioned other significant people in your life, of these very same emotions, be aware of the pattern and tackle it head on. Take responsibility and seek help.

Core belief work is offered by many professionals trained in CBT and that is a good place to start the journey of self awareness and acceptance. It frees you up to take control of your life instead of tying you up in the blame game where no one wins.

Core belief work helps you assess your negative conclusions about events by investigating its deep rooted origin. It provides present day evidence against the erronous self belief, thus making it irrational and irrelevant. This kind of therapeutic work can be revelatory for some. Often, it can change your perspective towards life. And the effect it will have on your marriage can only be seen to be believed.

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